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June 30, 2007 | 11:45 PM
Ordeals
I'm feeling a whole lot better after clearing the air. Swollen eyes and after-crying headaches are but a small price to pay for the aftercalm. The thing about ordeals is that they open your eyes to see who truly care. I'm sure I've said this before. I know who my real friends are now and which side I'm going to stand on from now on. Afternote My headache is really bad =( I'm ending this post at 11.48PM. It's been a hell of a day. | 7:36 PM
Trebled woes instead
To add on to my previous list of worries, I realised with a pang of horror I've been wasting my parents' money. Let me tell you the damage my knee injury has cost me. 1. Bishan trg money. I've worked out that every trg is worth approx $7.725. I'm telling you, when it all culmi to a pretty mortifying sum. And I've estimated I've missed about 10 lessons. 2. Medical bills. Each visit to the Chinese physician costs $20, and I've been there at least 9 times. That's $180. Not to forget cab fare (the clinic is in Bedok) so it's roughly $10x2 (to and fro). I can't express how guilty I feel and therefore will be at my most stringent when it comes to spending money. By hook or by crook I'll live on $1 a day. I'm still contemplating whether or not to continue my trg at Bishan for the next term. For god's sake, thinking about it just triggers the tears. The term will start 30th of July and I don't know if my knee will recover by then. It's between love for gymnastics and love for my parents. I wonder how I can put into words my hatred for my injury. Not only am I crippled physically, it's placing a vice-like torment on me emotionally. If the devil offers to heal my knee in return for my soul, I'd gladly seal the deal. I swear I will, that's how desperate I am. First, the friend. Second, the boy. Third, the studies. Fourth, the injury. Fifth, the money. Sixth, my pain in general. I don't know how much longer I can cope with all this madness. Edit I have something else to get off my chest. I hate it how people keep bombarding me with their problems. As a friend I have to be obliged to help them through their dark periods. But I also wish they realise the concrete blocks they're heaping on to me. Hello? I have my problems too. Call me stupid but I don't like to confide in others nowadays because I'm aware my friends (no matter how close) have their own lives and troubles too. I don't want to be like the aforementioned people who pile on their own problems on others. I don't know if this is selflessness or plain naiveity. It doesn't matter, my life is screwed enough. Do you ever feel like hauling yourself into self-destruction, carelessly tossing aside your responsibilities? I do, and the temptation is growing stronger. First off I will burn all my books. Then, enduring the pain, I'll do a tumble and hopefully break my right leg. Third, locate a hammer and break my left leg. I fantasize about these all the time. But there's always that tiny bit of sanity that restrains me from full liberation. This voice of sanity tells me to keep the faith. I just don't know how long I can hold out. June 29, 2007 | 6:30 PM
End of a Torturous Week
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky In my heart there always be A place for you for all my life School has never been more gruelling, and I'm more than glad the wretched week has come to a close. I was reaching breaking point today, on auto pilot two thirds of the time, the teachers' words failing to connect with my temporal lobe and thus barred entry into my brain. I was totally zonked out by maths period. Numbers, angles, proofs, segments, circles were simply swirling around in my mind. Complete craziness. Not to forget, I'm forced to participate in the arsed debate on Tuesday (Yin Xia won't let me off). The Friend: I can't bear those letters you used to write me, because those words seem like nothing more than whimsical, flippant display of vocabulary, the meanings of which you don't mean to convey. All reassurances of an eternal friendship now are lies, since you apparently don't give a damn. I really thought you were my best friend too, and that you understood me, and that leaves me sore because you didn't bother. The insecurity stems from the fact you do matter to me. The Boy: I really don't understand why you keep blowing hot and cold. I still like you very much but I've promised I will not react- to you.I've had enough of heartbreaks and outbursts and you're not making it any better. I don't have a right to blame you cause you were never even mine to begin with. All I've written so far seems overdramatic but this hasn't exactly been the best of weeks and I'm just tired, pissed and sick. My sprain must be a blessing in disguise. Without it, I could have busted my head at trg by popping the clutch. You see, I vent my frustration through physical self-torture. Academically, emotionally and physically, I'm completely screwed. Edit It's ironic how I have to help others solve their problems while I'm constantly grappling with mine. I'm such a sucker. |